Adventures in...Indecision

Shout out to fellow STARTer Jess who let me guest post for thistrainisboundforglory. A wonderful collection of posts chronicling 'Adventures in...' everything from health to hope, and indecision to Iraq. 

Adventures in...Indecision 

A wise man once wrote that an undecided mind is like a storm tossed sea – going one way and then the other, never settled. #James1v8

I’m always undecided about something – move here, move there, move back or stay where you are. Apply for this job, apply for that job or don’t change job at all. Go for a drink, have one more drink or diet coke please. Pizza or Pasta. Star Wars or Star Trek.  Beyonce or Bieber. Marmite or Nutella...

To read the rest of this post click here (even if you don't read my post you should check out the rest of the blog. You won't regret it).

Christmas 2055

Who will you spend Christmas* with when you’re 65? Something I was asked recently and in line with the whole Quarter Century Crisis thing, this has proved to be quite a relevant question. But it got me thinking, not only who will I spend Christmas with when I’m 65 but who will I be when I’m 65? 

I’ve always hoped that at some point in my life I would become one of those super accomplished women. You know, the ones who can juggle work, family, friends and life while managing to effortlessly rustle up a gourmet meal for twenty at the drop of a hat whilst wearing a ballgown. It's not hard to see that I am so not her right now. But surely now is the time to start becoming that person?

To be honest I find it hard to envisage life beyond July (although plans for August are beginning to look Excellent As) and so thinking about the next 42 years is Far Out. But here are some considerations for Christmas 2055:

Will I have an open house policy of welcoming any family member (including the ones you'd rather not be related to) plus assorted guests into my home with open arms? Or will I only invite a privileged few (and definitely not those strange relations who rather lower the tone) to share the yuletide festivities of my home?

Will I have taken time to put up decorations (complete with this year’s theme of handmade arts and crafts ) or will a sullen looking artificial tree crammed into the corner of the kitchen suffice?

Will I have managed to effortlessly cook a five course feast (including four meat choices, two fish courses and at least five different desserts) without ending up on the kitchen floor crying for my mother?

Will I be serving only seasonal and organic produce or will I be microwaving whatever was on offer at Tesco? (avoiding anything that claims to be beef, obvs)

Having decided that pointless gift giving is a wasteful social norm, will I have braved the wrath of many by giving everyone a Kiva loan instead? 

Having banished all internet and game devices for the day will I manage to keep everyone entertained with a rousing sing-a-long around the piano (expertly played by myself of course)? Or will it quickly descend into chaos with small children mistaking the household pets for moving Piñatas and the teenagers taking bets on which pet will get caught first?

As Hostess Supreme will I mange to help feed the babies, soothe the toddlers’ tears and appease their older siblings’ ploys for more attention without neglecting the elderly relatives? Or having been pushed to the limit by cooking and having too many people in my space will I be grumpily hiding away in the garden hoping that no one can see me smoking and swigging wine from the bottle?

Will I make time to actually talk with my family and see how they are or just make awkward small talk about the weather – I mean it has been rather cold lately and they’re saying it might snow in the new year, which would be terrible because how could I possibly get to town to do some sales shopping because we’re hoping to get a new radio in the sales because blah blah blah.

Will I cheerily wave everyone goodbye at the end of the day already planning next year’s festivities? Or will I let them see themselves out in favour of opening up the good bottle of wine that I didn’t want to waste on them at dinner?

Well, I’ve got 42 years to figure it out. Piece of cake.

Who will you be when you're 64 65?

*well, actually they said thanksgiving because they were American. But fear not I have a Cultural Relevance Adaptability Licence so it’s ok to change it.

Quarter Century Crisis

I'm too young for this. No really, I am. In this world of accelerated living I have hit my Quarter Century Crisi prematurely (by-the-by who wants to live to be 100 anyway?).

[I also think I'm too young to start writing off every ache and pain as ‘old age.’ But as I can’t be bothered to register with a doctor's surgery in East London and trekking back to Croydon to see a doctor is too much hassle, I'm adopting the ‘old age’ excuse. So I'll just have to deal with limping to school everyday.]

I have everything I need. I live in a great place, in the greatest city in the world.  The kitchen fridge is only ever empty when we’re too lazy to buy anything. I have a job that I enjoy. I have a great family and great friends. God is good. I am blessed beyond measure. I have everything I need. And for the most part I am happy.

So why am I sitting on my bedroom floor, listening Kanye, eating Nutella with a spoon and staring blankly at the wall pondering my life trajectory? Why is it that I'm browsing the self help section of Amazon, wondering if “Twenty Something, Twenty Everything” or “Conquering Your Quarter Life Crisis” is the key to sorting my life out?

I can’t concentrate. I'm not eating properly. And if I think about it too much I can't sleep. One of my best friends thinks I have a secret boyfriend. My mother thinks I have an eating disorder. I think I should just pack my bags and become a missionary. In the Bahamas. Preferably on a beach. With a cocktail in hand.  People who hang out on the beach in the Bahamas need Jesus too you know. And a one way ticket is only £600 (not that I've been looking).

I want to go where God leads but I think He wants me to decide. Only I don’t know what I want (talk about a First World Problem).

School. GCSE’s. A-Levels. University. Travelling. Job.

So far, so predictable, so mundane. Where is the radical life I was planning? I moved to East London to change the world but it pretty much looks the same.

Friends are getting married, working up the career ladder and having babies. Not quite my shade of nail varnish but a comparison none-the-less.

When it comes to work I am (as always) thinking about what to do next. Bahamas anyone?

As for getting married and having kids. Too young. Too dependent on independence and freedom. And too easily bored. A good friend recently told me “If he’s not worth it, then shake the dust from your feet, Child of God.” Amen to that. One of my grandmothers (who is in good health) keeps trying to guilt trip me into having kids by saying that she only wishes she’ll live long enough to see her great grandchildren – I’m the oldest grandchild on that side.  Have you seen what they do to you? And to your clothes? Too many people think I'm into fashion for me to let a child wreck my wardrobe thank you very much (I'm totally on the lookout for an excellent mid length skirt at the mo. Holla if you find a good one).

So here I am. Sitting on my bedroom floor. Listening to Kanye (maybe that’s the problem). Eating Nutella from the jar. Staring blankly at the wall. Yearning for Narnia, because let’s face it; where else would you want to be (besides the Bahamas - obvs)?

But at the end of the day, when all is said and done I rest in a peace not of this world. I rest in a God who is constant despite my inconsistencies. I rest in a God of provision, healing, mercy, grace, forgiveness and above all – love. 

Anyone got some wisdom to share on surviving your Quarter Century Crisis?

P.S. I’m fine. Really I am. I have a life planning session with a friend tomorrow evening.

P.P.S. You youngsters who don’t understand – don't be too smug, it will catch you soon enough. Aches, pains an' all. You have been warned. 

So What's Next?

So you’re wondering what’s next, what do to with your life. Join the club. This has been my most FAQ for the past couple of years. When I was in New Zealand we had many many conversations about calling and identity. We had one speaker tell us that we should pray like crazy and not do anything unless God tells us to do it. Another said that we’re not idiots and God knows this so we should figure it out ourselves. I was totally (to use an old skool phrase) confused-dot-com.

And since then it hasn’t gotten that much better. Over the past couple of years I have received a lot of advice on future plans and what I should be focusing on. Some of it has been really helpful and some of it not so much – one friend told me that I should “do something irrational. Have a family.” Thanks. Good Plan. That would solve all my problems right now. And I've even had that awkward conversation of “God told me you should train to be a missionary and then come and join me on the mission field in Asia. Just kidding. But not really. Just kidding. Hahahaha.” Excellent. Ha. Ha. Ha. I just threw up from laughing so much at the hilariousness of that comment, you should really consider becoming a stand up comedian.

Talk about first world problem – too many options and don’t know what to do.

Here is a collection of advice and thoughts and bits of conversations I've has over the past couple of years on how to figure out what's next:

The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind...Love your neighbour as yourself. Matthew 22 v 37-39

0 to 25 - Try everything but sin (rock climb, play sport, study arts, study science, write a book).

25 to 30 - Focus on ten things.

30 to 40 - Do two things really well.

40 onwards - Mentor and invest.

So do not worry about having enough food or drink or clothing...Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and He will give you all you need from day to day if you live for Him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. Matthew 6 v 31-33

God’s will is all over scripture, we know what He wants so why do we keep asking what His will is? Why don’t we instead try and figure out how we, in the fullness of how we've been made, play a part in it? 

How do you want to be living? What are the values and rhythms you want to be living out?

I think we assume that everyone knows what they want to do. It’s much closer to the truth to say that most of us somehow fall into the jobs we have. And only half of those people end up doing something that they like, and only half of those people do something that they love.

We’re not really given space to wander. Some people try out a number of different career paths before they find one they’re comfortable with. But we frown on this and say that they’re flaky. When maybe they’re the ones brave enough to try new things in search of what they enjoy. 

We’ll probs be working till we drop dead on the job, so do something you enjoy. If it takes ten years of wandering to get there then don’t sweat it, you still have another million years until retirement/dropping dead. So don’t be afraid of wandering, but do be intentional. 

God-given gifts + acquired skills + developed passions = vocation because of and for the sake of community.

Who do you know? Who do you enjoy working with? Who inspires you? What work environment suits you best?

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

Maybe there’s not one perfect career for you. There could be several different things that you could really enjoy doing and that you could thrive in. So there’s not necessarily one right option. So don’t worry about making the wrong wrong choice.

Go to New Zealand.

Maybe God cares about who we are becoming more than what we are specifically doing 

Don’t forget to b r e a t h e.

  

I have been all over the place with this. I’ve had days when I’ve been super excited about the future, days when I’ve been so stressed I couldn’t do anything but try to run from my own thoughts (well, more kind of like baking than actually running) and then there’s been the days when I’ve not thought about it so it’s been fine.

The most important thing I have learned about this is that God is there no matter what. Whether I come up with a five year plan in the next week, or whether it takes one/two/five/ten years, God will be there no matter what I end up doing. He does not change. I can count on His character and His promises no matter where I am or what I am doing. And at the end of the day, I’m only visiting this planet.

"And be sure of this: I am with you always, even until the end of the age" 

Matthew 28 v 20

What Rachel Did Next

So, it’s been an interesting year. The first six/seven months –Fun Times. The last five months – less of the fun and less of the sun (did we even have summer this year?).

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been great to be home and see everyone that I missed while I was away. But since then it’s been fairly average. I’ve spent most of the so-called summer filling in job applications and receiving emails telling me I’m not qualified/experienced enough to do whatever job it was I applied to.

Ever been unemployed? Then you’ll understand my pain – trying to find motivation to fill in another form, being too lazy to read the Job Description and skipping straight to the Person Spec, feeling guilty for any time not spent job hunting, finding inventive ways of avoiding answering the dreaded question of “don’t you have a job yet?” (My favourites – jumping out of a window, or [if you’re not on a ground floor] pretending you haven’t heard and start asking them if that’s their car being towed), wondering if you should abandon your values and apply for a job as a manager of a Nike store, wondering if you should have sent in the application to be London Met Commissioner as you don’t think the current candidates will be any better than the previous ones and wondering why the media keep finding new statistics about high rates of graduate unemployment.

But back to my main point – it’s been an interesting year:

•  September 26^th 2010 -  the official start of DTS lecture phase (if you wanna know what I’m talking about and have a serious amount of time on your hands then read this: www.rachelgoestonz.blogspot.com)
• September 26^th 2011 – the official start of my working life as an intern for the Foodbank Network. (Farewell unemployment, hello having to set an alarm to wake up before the sun)
• September 26^th 2012 – the official start of my reign as world CEO? Intern to world domination in one year? Easily achievable

Interesting times. And its about to get even more interesting. As of next week I start a programme called Mission Year (www.missionyear.org.uk).

Mission Year (MY) is a framework equipping Christians to live in community with others, to serve the local church and to reach their neighbourhood. MY participants work with a number of ministries tackling social exclusion in areas of high social deprivation.

And so, in a few weeks I’ll be moving to Bethnal Green, East London, to live with three other MY participants. I am super excited about being part of an inner-city community where there is such a desperate need for Jesus. As part of MY I will be working, as an intern, with the Foodbank Network four days a week.

The Foodbank Network is a Christian charity that provides emergency three-day supplies of food to those in the UK who due to some kind of crisis, such as benefit delay, unexpected bills, illness etc, are without any food, or the means of getting any food for the next few days.

Clients are identified by frontline care professionals, such as social workers and Doctors, and given a voucher which they take to their local Foodbank and exchange for a three-day supply of nutritionally balanced, non-perishable food. They are not just given the food but tea/coffee, sometimes a meal and someone to talk/pray with. All food is donated by the public and sorted by volunteers. Last year the Foodbank Network fed over 60,000 people experiencing food poverty in the UK.

London currently has 14 Foodbanks up and running, with another 12 planning to open in the next few months. I will be working with the Regional Director for London in supporting current Foodbanks and establishing new ones. I am super excited to be working with an organisation tackling food poverty right on our doorstep. See www.trusselltrust.org for more info. 

Now the mathematically minded among you will have noted that I will only be working with Foodbank for four days. Fear not. On the fifth day I'll be working with the church I’ll attend in Bethnal Green. I'm not entirely sure what I'll be doing but I do know it will involve working for and with the local community. Possibly: kids work, youth work, teaching English to refugees or volunteering at my local Foodbank.

However, as an intern I don’t get paid, instead I get expenses. And although my expenses will be pretty generous for an intern (not quite parliamentary stylee though) it won’t quite cover my contribution to the house living expenses. I am short by £100 a month. This is where you come in...

If 10 people gave me £10 a month for one year I would be able to cover rent, food, bills and if I’m careful I might even have enough left over for some chocolate biscuits. Or, if 12 people gave me £100 I’d be covered for the year. You see where this is going?

Would you partner with me by donating a monthly sum/one-off donation of £5/10/15/30/45/60/75/100/whatever you find down the back of the sofa so that I don’t starve/freeze/become homeless over the next year? (Although that would be ironic). Anything and everything will be much appreciated. If this is something you could do then simply hit the Donate button on the right or send me a message/email/letter/leave a comment and I can send you my details.

Thanks guys.

With love from Rachel

P.S. If you happen to know any super rich people who might like to help me out then by all means, pass the message along. Thanks people.

P.P.S. This new blog  will chart my adventures in London.